Onion Uttapam : India's Leading Satire Daily

While some British researchers may have attempted to prove that obesity contributes to global warming, not everyone is buying their claims. Dr. Darren Moore, unemployed scientist, recently fired from Everon Labs Inc after being caught stealing donuts from the company canteen has established that obese people do not contribute to either global warming or rising food prices.

Dr. Moore who is obese himself weighing 298 pounds on the weighing scale, has published results of his study which refutes point-by-point the results of the study by researchers at London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine.

According to Dr. Moore, the study carried by Phil Edwards and his team is unscientific, highly flawed and ignores many vital factors that if taken into account would negate the results of their study.
Refuting the assumptions on which the study by London School of Hygiene was based, Dr. Moore pointed out that obese people generally are less active than thinner people and tend to move around less, preferring to stay put at one place as long as it is possible. "Obese people rely more on cars than thinner people, but most of the time they are too lazy to get their asses off from their seats and don't venture out on streets unless they absolutely have to." said Dr. Moore.

Obese people also don't like to exercise and unlikely to frequent gymnasiums which helps saving energy since most gyms are heavy power-guzzlers. "There are approximately 28 percent less gyms in the world due to disinterest of obese population of the world in staying fit and healthy." added Dr. Moore.

Dr. Moore also didn't agree that obese people are contributing to food shortages and higher food prices due to their need for more calories than normal people with healthy body mass index.

"It has been proved that obesity is one of the main causes of modern, lifestyle ailments like cardiovascular diseases, type 2 diabetes, hypertension, congestive heart failure, angina pectoris, osteoarthritis, fatty liver disease, cancer of the kidney, endometrium, breast, colon and rectum, esophagus, prostate and gall bladder, and a host of other diseases. According to a recent CDC report, obesity is fast approaching tobacco as leading cause of death."

"As a result of these diseases, obesity cuts lifespan by as much as twenty years, which is nearly one-third of average lifespan of men and women all over the world. Thus while an obese person consumes 18 percent more calories than a healthy person while he is alive, he doesn't live as long as healthy people. By dying 20 years earlier than people with healthy BMI, he consumes 23 percent lesser calories than an average person.

Meanwhile, the global warming hysteria is continuing to reach newer heights. After cow farts & sheep burps, now its the turn of elephants to be blamed for the rising temperatures of earth.

According to Tim Bollocks, researcher leading team of scientists at Princetown University, elephants are one of the prime contributors to global warming and rising food prices. Elephants, due to their huge body mass consume more food than any other living creature and are partly responsible for food shortages the world over.

Bollocks and his collegue Greg Keister found that elephants consume 250-300 kg of fodder and 150 litres of water everyday. The total calorie intake of their daily food intake is 100 times more than that of an average human with a healthy body mass index.

"Elephants tend to move from one place to another in search of food since a single patch of forest in unable to meet their dietary requirements. This results in depletion of forest cover and contributes to global warming" said Greg Keister.

"We conducted a survey of 2500 elephants and discovered that on an average an elephant needs over 150000 calories, which is 100 times more than dietary needs of an average human, to sustain normal energy levels and maintain daily activities." added Keister.

The scientists say that as more and more elephants give birth to more and more elephants, the problem will swell and swell out of control. "Elephants are a problem and it is now our responsibility to keep them in check." said Tim Bollocks.