After a protracted session of hostage negotiation, our reporter who was imprisoned in the cage of Valentine at Andipatti  by the intrepid Tea-shop-cum-greeting-card dispenser, Thiru.Muniyaandi, was released on the day before Pranab chose to wear the choice of dress of many Indian women, the sari, which hides more and reveals less. Our reporter has put on a tan, which is the envy of all of us here at Mumbai and bravely chose to back to T.Kallipatti, a hamlet close to Andipatti, a day after Pranab’s sari was stripped off by few columnists and the ubiquitous aam-aadmi. Shorn of all the rhetoric and hyperbole, Mayandi, a ration-card holder of T.Kallipatti chose to be brave and speak out to our charming reporter, Mohini Kunwari. Excerpts from the cow-shed-side chat: 

“Vanakkam, Ayya”

 “Vanakkam, ma. Would you like to have a warm cup of jaggery-tea?”

“Jaggery-tea? Hmm, sounds yummy, thank you, ayya.!!”

“Yummy and healthy, too, ma”

“But isn’t sugar cheaper?”

“I don’t want to buy adulterated and short-measured sugar which is available on the first Tuesday of every month at the ration shop, ma and this village makes jaggery and we get it by bartering. Like, one litre of fresh, pure cow’s milk will get me half a kilo and the price of sugar fluctuates”

“ But the price of sugar has not gone up, ayya “

“That may be, but it will, the price of fuel has gone up and the add-on effect will be a burden which my 8 year old dhoti can not bear.” 

(In the meanwhile, the jaggery-tea arrives in a glass and a steel tumbler, courtesy the round-eyed Chinnathayi, the wife of Mayandi.  Unable to chose between the two proffered tumblers, Mohini Kunwari, waits for Mayandi to make the first move, who promptly obliges by offering her the glass tumbler and helps himself to the steel tumbler. Sipping their tea, they look around at the gathering crowd, which has curiosity writ large on their clean faces. During the tea break the two-tumbler system, one for the upper caste and one for the lower caste, was discussed and that will be another story which will come up later this week) 

“So what do you think of the budget, ayya?”

“ What’s that? Oh! It’s February, when all the hoarders make loads of money. Come here, ma. Do you see that old compound wall with new gates? Inside that compound are 3 de-commissioned rice mills which are used as godowns these days, ma and all of them are stocked with Tur dal”

“Tur dal?”

“Yes, ma, there must be many like these all over the country, no?”

“Yes, yes, but what do you think of the budget, ayya?”

“I only think of things that are significant to me. And the budget is an annual exercise that takes more from people like me and puts more into the pockets of those who don’t need it in any case. After all, rich or poor, a man needs to eat only thrice a day no? It is another thing that we are able to eat only twice a day. And the colour and stink of a rich or poor man’s shit is the same. The budgets have all along been the same, he-he, so shall we talk about tur dal now, ma?”

“As you please, ayya”

“You see, us gramvaasis think that tough times call for radical solutions and you must admit that these are tough days, ma”

“You bet! That stingy editor-cum-publisher of my webzine has put a cap on my traveling allowance and with my ticket price going up I can do only about 2-3 stories per month and that means less take-home. At this rate, I may end up sleeping with his daughter to retain my job and if I am lucky get some jewelry as the morning-after gift”

“Sleep with his daughter? Why? Doesn’t she have a mother to take care of her, ma?”

“Oh! That’s a long story! Let’s talk about your radical solution, ayya”

“Oh! That! It’s simple. Us gramvaasis got together under that tree during the toddy season and called upon Palaniandi who is the most educated of us all, 8^th standard failed, and asked him to do some elementary mathematics.”

“Mathematics and the Budget, that’s interesting, go ahead, ayya!

Mayandi beams and carries on, “ Well, we know that our country has around 700 districts and with roughly around 1250 hoarders per district we wanted to know totally how many hoarders were there in the country. An you know what Palaniandi did? He just smiled and said 10 lakhs. Then we gave him the next task. We wanted him to find out the percentage of these people to our much publicized 100 crore population and he immediately said 0.1%. That’s all just a mere 0.1% holding the other 99.9% of the population to ransom and sucking on our blood. That Palaniandi should be given a pass in his 8^th standard, no? Anyway, after that we debated various methods and finally settled on the most easiest solution, ma!”

“And what was that, ayya?”

“You see, us gramvaasis are just mere statistics and in a democracy the view of the majority prevails Off with their heads and all their hoard to be distributed within their district. No more scarcity of Tur dal, ma “!

“Interesting, ayya”

“Prices and taxes go up every year, ma and you know what the villagers call our committee of Village Elders, ma?

“What, ayya?”

“Hitler’s Army”, yelled the crowd around us.

“And now can I ask one question, ma?

“Please, ayya”

“Who is Pranab, ma?” 

Mohini fainted and Mayandi dialed 108, the ambulance service which arrived in 5 minutes and took her to nearest GH at Theni where she is fast recuperating from the rigours of her interview with Mayandi